The 15-time Oscar loser is “done playing nice.”

Over the years, songwriter Diane Warren has developed a reputation for garnering a Best Original Song Oscar nomination for films that seemingly nobody have watched—from Christian drama Breakthrough to biopic Flamin’ Hot to, most (in)famously, Tell It Like a Woman.

In an exclusive interview, Diane Warren explains that she does this not only to attend the ceremony, but because she finds the online reactions hilarious: “What can I say, I’m a messy bitch who lives for drama, and what’s better than that one movie coming right the fuck out of nowhere for a nomination over your fave?”

But there’s one hangup she has with the Oscars—after nearly 40 years of nominations, Warren has yet to win even once. But this year, she’s got a new strategy to finally bring the trophy home.

“My new song will be called ‘Give Me an Oscar (You Assholes),’” she explains, giddy with excitement, “and how could they not vote for that song? Doesn’t even matter what it’s about—they’ll be too busy patting themselves on the back for how funny they are to listen to it, which is how that dumbass muppet song won. I’m done playing nice.” The song will be featured in her biographical documentary, aptly titled “Diane Warren: Relentless.”

But that’s not the only trick she’s got up her sleeve. Warren has written a second song for her new film—“If You Don’t Vote for Me You’ll Have Bad Luck for 1000 Years.” “That’ll be more popular with the youths. I’m an active Redditor and the whole ‘upvote this skull or be cursed’ thing is fucking stupid but also lowkey nostalgic.”

Academy rules prevent more than two songs for a single movie getting nominated. But Warren has a workaround: just make more movies. “I’m putting together ‘Two It Like a Woman.’ No idea what the plot will be, I just called up some friends who want to be in an Oscar-nominated film. All that matters is that the songs ‘You Inspire Me’ and ‘I’ll Never Forget You’ will be in it for two more nominations.”

To secure the fifth spot (because the Academy “goes out of their way to avoid giving me the win—like how the fuck did that Lady Gaga song lose?”), Warren “shot an hour some random shit of my cat on my iPhone for an hour, I’ll call it ‘The Story of My True Love’ or something. The song’s gonna be ‘Aardvark is the Animal of Amazingness,’ so that it’s first on the ballot.”

The one thing she’s worried about? “That high schooler” Billie Eilish. “If she drops a song for Moana 2 or whatever, I’m toast. Girl could swallow a microphone and record her intestines and it’d get at least 3 Grammys.”

“Diane Warren: Relentless” premiered at SXSW and will go into wide release later this year. All of the songs mentioned in this article will be performed by up-and-coming artist Gayle.